I didn’t think I would be saying this at my age… and honestly it feels kinda silly although I suppose it makes more sense now because people complicate more as they age. I don’t really dit in with anyone. I am in college. I suppose I’m not offensice in smell or looks so I must not be too too terrible to be around. The fact of the matter is that I don’t talk to anyone. Le sigh… but I don’t know what to talk about with people to begin with! And I’m filled with a bunch of ugly feelings all the time. It’s extremely difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe everyone was right and I need a semester off, but I get the feeling that sitting at home for six months, feeling bad about myself, and working constantly wouldn’t really improve my mental or social conditions. Not to mention that being at home for so long might drive me over the deep end since it’s so devoid of hope and depressing. I don’t think there’s a shelter I can seek to get my strength back either.

This is pretty much me every morning:

As you can see… talking to your stuffed animals isn’t exactly the best sign… soon it might come to this…



… It’s not looking good.

The color is gone from everything
Phrases mean nothing, and I go on
only as a shell of what I was.
Smiles are hollow
as well as words and phrases.

Things pass and things change
but I remain the same
and nothing moves.
People die
And the the uncaring world goes on.

Unaware.

The love and the color are gone.
The only thing left are shadows

From a setting

sun.

I cry every night.

Every night I cry alone.

Does that mean I’m still weak?

Even if I won’t show it to anyone?

If I don’t tell anyone

Does that mean it doesn’t matter?

If you read this you might feel bad for me.

But if you knew everything

you’d just hate me.

And it kills me

to know that people don’t know me.

To know that people think

they know me.

When they haven’t seen my bad sides

they see the good and don’t know

how bad I really am.

I cry every night.

Does that mean I’m depressed?

If I roll around in bed…

because I can’t sleep.

And every night I panic,

then force myself to calm down.

Will it ever end?

Do I have a mental problem?

Maybe I should have been the one

Going to all of those mental hospitals

Last summer.

Maybe in reality

It was me

who needed to be there.

But let’s not talk about that.

So much can change.

Because of one thing.

One person’s decision

Can lead to another’s death

And a broken family

Who will always live with your choice.

A group of people.

Three kids.

Who never knew their mother’s family.

And you don’t care.

I should say you DIDN’T care.

How could you have possibly known?

In fact, I bet you were so self absorbed

You didn’t even realize.

How you effected us.

My mom

My sister

My brother

My father.

And I cry every night.

For loneliness

and the future.

For things I don’t

can’t

and won’t know.

For insecurity.

For others.

For loves lost.

For the other broken families

Because I know we’re not the only one.

For my father.

For my sister

For my mother

For my brother

for all they suffered.

And I cry for myself,

which makes me feel even worse

because that crying is selfish

and it shouldn’t be done.

It doesn’t help

And I don’t want your sympathy.

But sadness overwhelms me.

So I’ll just have to wait.

And pull up the covers.

Maybe put on a movie

to calm myself down.

Until one day,

when I won’t cry anymore.

fuckyeahbabyanimals:

So, The Kitten Cup-holder exists.  The world (and kittens) can rest easy now.

(via madebytess)

<3

Annddddd I’m avoiding homework.

fuckyeahbabyanimals:

Nothing better than a puppy to “awww” at in the late hours of the night.

(via alivaanirac)

So cute!! <3

So it seems that everyone is against Valentine’s Day. Not just the single people either! It seems to be more common for people to dislike the holiday instead of liking it.

Perhaps with good reason.

It has certainly changed a lot from its original meaning. So it was told me that the origin of Valentine’s day was that of a roman priest who married couples even though at the time marriage was prohibited. His name was St. Valentine.

It seems now that it has been degraded to a day where people confess their love, and use it as a window of opportunity, or as a reason to get their significant other a present. I personally don’t see the connection entirely from the original reasoning…others view it as a holiday that has been vastly commercialized and abused by companies to make a profit and cash in on frantic lovers.

But can’t we just appreciate the holiday for what it is? The good meaning it held originally? Or maybe not even that, just as a day to show the world our love? I hold with those who view only loving someone on one day because of a designated holiday is stupid.

I like holidays as a general rule because they break up the monotony of everyday life as well as the school year, kind of give me a sense of time. Maybe you’re single, maybe you’re in a relationship, maybe you just hate the colors pink red and white, but can’t we all just appreciate the little thing and try to enjoy Valentine’s Day for what it is?

Why do I stay up so late?

Only to catch up on sleep during the day with a nap. A three hour nap.

Why is it that people say college is so awesome?

Are those the people who get shit faced every day for a year then get thrown out because they can’t make the grade?

Or is it because it’s the time when young adults can be totally immature assholes and tell themselves and everyone else it’s okay because they’re getting the ‘college experience’.

If you ask me, it’s a load of bull shit.

Just because your mommies and daddies can afford to send you to a private school and you don’t have to work extra hard so you can try in vain to get on the dean’s list and acquire a better scholarship, doesn’t make you cool.

Just because I don’t smoke and drink doesn’t make me a loser.

Although I will admit that I am a bit weird.

The point is, just because I’m not ruining my life over drugs and alcohol and sleeping my way to the top of the popularity chain, doesn’t make me any less of a person.

But you know what? Fine. Go make a fool out of yourself.

You’re just making me look better anyway.

fuckyeahbabyanimals:

This pup has a few bones to pick with the St Bernard from Beethoven.

<3

screamingforsanity:

XDD!!

I was mad.

And I was going to say something.

And then I did say something.

After a long time.

And your reaction made me realize…

I shouldn’t be chasing you around.

You know why?

Because I don’t want to be friends with someone like you.

In fact,

if you came to me I might turn you away.

Because you have mistreated me and not given a damn.

And now it’s my turn.

So go ahead. Exclude me.

I don’t want to be part of your group anyway.

P.S.

Go fuck yourself.